Luis Suarez, star of the big screen..?

Howard Webb and his Untouchables?

I was recently asked what my favourite film is, and this is a question I have real difficult answering. I eventually came up with The Shawshank Redemption, and I stand by that decision, but a contender I forgot at the time is The Untouchables. It’s a great story that indulges my (not so well hidden) inner history geek, and it might be due for a modern day reprisal.

Al Capone was one of the most feared organised crime bosses of 1920s America, and while everyone knew what he was doing, proving it was impossible. Two of the biggest issues were that he was providing a service that many people were grateful for (the importing of alcohol into prohibition-era USA) and the fact that most of the police were in his pocket. Along came Eliot Ness and his untouchables, and eventually Capone was jailed, albeit for tax evasion.

The modern reprisal could therefore reasonably be about tax, a hot topic as avoidance schemes are regularly being rumbled and the rich and famous are regularly placed under the microscope. Businesses have been accused of immoral or illegal gains, and so have celebrities, so a comedy version starring Jimmy Carr might appeal..?

However, I’d like to focus on the notion that while everybody knew what Capone was doing, nobody seemed capable of catching him and punishing him for it. For all the attacking football and goal scoring exploits on show in Brazil at the 2014 World Cup, there has also been a third incident of a bizarre and disgusting nature that has gone unseen by the officials present.

Luis Suarez has on three occasions lost the plot on the football field and chosen to use his teeth as a weapon to attack an opposing player. First at Ajax, and subsequently playing for Liverpool, these incidents went unseen, and on the day, unpunished.

I believe as part of the punishment for his second offence he was given psychiatric help for his apparent uncontrollable anger, but he has yet again acted in a way unbefitting of a human being. Punching and kicking is bad, biting is worse. We know Suarez has bitten three opponents, but none of the officials present seem to see him doing it, like Capone, Suarez seems to move stealthily.

Suarez has in the past moaned about the English, and our media persecuting and vilifying him, I can’t do much more to prove you right than compare you to Al Capone can I Luis? So in the modern day twist on a great film, I propose that we release a feature on Howard Webb and his untouchables trying to bring down the nibbly super villain before it’s too late… and if they can’t get him for biting, maybe someone will spot a dive or a handball on the goal line instead.