Miroslav Klose lifts the World Cup
Ten days has been plenty of time for reflection, and all of
the serious (and in many cases predictably repetitive) conclusions have been
formed, so now it’s time for a few alternative impressions.
The decision to award Lionel Messi the Golden Ball for
player of the tournament was one that ridiculed the process; several less
high-profile talents eclipsed him.
The only positive I can see from giving that particularly
accolade to the man that has won and earned so much is that he happened to be
there to collect it… how practical.
As follows are what will soon be globally known as Richard’s Alternative World Cup Awards.
Player who looks
least like a footballer
Sometimes you see someone on the pitch and find yourself
thinking they look completely out of place. For example, for a few years I’ve
been unable to shake the theory that Matt Jarvis should commute on a train and
work in London’s financial district. The World Cup threw up a few similar
theories of identity crises. Christian Noboa did a passable impression of
Coronation Street legend Ena Sharples, managing to confuse a friend of mine in
the process.
Similarly, much maligned Brazilian forward Fred seemed to belong on the set of a pre-war silent movie. He can’t be any worse at tying distressed damsels to railway lines than he is at posing a threat to opposing defences. The winner though is a sign of the times. In an age where so-called reality television makes a celebrity out of someone who would appear to live a purposeless existence, Sergio Romero has a career beyond football. I have absolutely no doubt that the Argentina goalkeeper would be right at home in Made in Buenos Aires.
Can't decide what I'm more concerned about creeping into football - biting or hairnets? #EnaSharples #EcuvFra
— Grant Yardley (@GJYardley) June 25, 2014
Similarly, much maligned Brazilian forward Fred seemed to belong on the set of a pre-war silent movie. He can’t be any worse at tying distressed damsels to railway lines than he is at posing a threat to opposing defences. The winner though is a sign of the times. In an age where so-called reality television makes a celebrity out of someone who would appear to live a purposeless existence, Sergio Romero has a career beyond football. I have absolutely no doubt that the Argentina goalkeeper would be right at home in Made in Buenos Aires.
I can't shake the feeling this man owns many mirrors
Worst attempt at
foreign pronunciation
The World Cup can be a minefield of names that we haven’t
seen before, let alone attempted to say. The task of tackling names like Reza
Ghoochannejhad and Jose Pedro Fuenzalida is made all the more complicated when
Tim Vickery exists to add unnecessary and inexplicable accents and nuances to
every South American name. Apparently Fred is to be pronounced “Frejji”.
The hot topic of this World Cup was the pronunciation of
James Rodriguez’ name. The recently transferred Real Madrid player was the
Golden Boot winner and therefore remained prominent in discussions throughout.
It would appear that James is pronounced Ham-ez, this was not for Glenn Hoddle, who simply referred to
him as ‘the boy James’.
It is for something else entirely that Glenn wins this award
though; his attempt at saying Algeria was somewhat below par. A course mate of
mine, who will remain nameless to save embarrassment, thought that Al Jazeera was the chap who starred in
the Godfather; Glenn Hoddle thinks it’s a North African country. Inspiration
from the man Ian Wright insists on calling gaffer.
Those Al Jazeerans pushed Germany all the way...
Most disdainful Description of FIFA
This is not an easy award to hand out, because frankly there
is nothing nice to say about this particular organisation. Shameless and
lacking all morality, they would appear to be void of all perspective.
Congratulations Sepp, you’re legacy is assured.
The winner in this category though is John Oliver. A Brit in
America, Oliver gave himself the task of explaining to his US audience exactly
what it is about FIFA that all football fans find hideous. The result was an
approximately 12 minute long tirade that could hardly be argued with and began
with the headline: “FIFA is a comically grotesque organisation.” Well said.
Biggest Waste of Money
The Arena Amazonia
hosted four games in the World Cup.
As the name suggests, the stadium was by far the most remote
of the venues, in the city of Manaus, it could almost be described as the heart
of the Amazon rainforest.
The city itself is by no means uncivilised, but it is
cut-off from the rest of the country and access by road is almost impossible.
Many of the materials used to build the venue had to be shipped down the Amazon
River, and the cost of construction was $270 million. When you consider the
remote location and the fact only four games were played there, in an
energy-sapping humidity that was barely suitable for football, it begins to
look like a questionable outlay.
The story only gets bleaker when the legacy of the stadium
is considered. Nacional Futebol Clube will move in as tenants, but they’re used
to a far inferior capacity ground, and simply don’t have the following to fill
the ground. Wikipedia doesn’t seem to know much about Nacional, so frankly, what
can there be to know.
In the video above John Oliver describes its future role as
that of the “World’s most expensive bird toilet”, he’s probably not far wrong.
I forgot to mention the pitch... they messed that up too!
Most ridiculous lack of discipline
The fact that I can even consider awarding this to anyone
other than Luis Suarez speaks volumes. For a man to bite an opponent and not
win this title is a slightly strange one, but I see your tendency to nibble on
the opposition Luis, and I raise you Cameroon.
Some members of the Ghana squad literally fought to take the
title, but Alex Song’s dismissal against Croatia took the biscuit. I was almost
relieved to hear there was suspicious betting patterns surrounding that
particular fixture, because there was no reason to do what he did, it was
utterly ridiculous.
While there hasn’t been any confirmation regarding guilt or
sanctions I’ll allow the rest of the squad to share the award too, with a
hat-tip in the direction of Benoit Assou-Ekotto who decided he’d rather fight a
teammate than focus his energy on beating the other team at football.
Priorities.
Hold your head... Or better still explain yourself
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