The kids who drove this often medalled, but I've never seen them at the Olympics...
During the second half of Man United v Everton a few weeks ago, Michael Owen managed to complete a sentence that started in the present tense, moved backwards into the past tense, and then somehow returned to the present.
My response, partly fuelled by the tension that comes from
watching any United game these days, was as follows: “Congratulations for
butchering the English language, Michael, top effort.”
Before proceeding I’d quickly like to point out I have no
hatred for Owen, and while his co-commentary isn’t my cup of tea, he isn’t the
only one I struggle to listen to, and I would take him every day ahead of Niall
Quinn.
Rather than Owen-bashing, this blog is intended as a quick
look at the English Language, and the casual but violent abuse it faces on a
day-to-day basis.
Firstly, it is a wonderful opportunity to reference and
refer to Weird Al Yankovic’s work of genius, Word Crimes.
Utilising the music and lyric-pattern of Robin Thicke’s
Blurred Lines it is as creative with the language as it is abusive of those who
have so much trouble using it correctly. If you haven’t heard it yet, listen to
it now!
One pet-hate of mine that has made its way into the conscience
of Weird Al is the tendency of many to describe things as being LITERALLY
something, when they literally aren’t.
Describing yourself as literally dying when hung-over or
aching a bit is so frustrating that I metaphorically explode.
Equally common is the trend of turning every word into a
verb. A tutor on my Masters course was particularly aggravated by the now
globally accepted action of ‘medalling’ at a sporting event.
The verb ‘to medal’ has now become accepted, but this could
be a dangerous precedent that sees people turn any word they like into a verb.
“@ALunzenfichter: Paris will not candidate for 2024 olympic games. Décision of Manuel Valls Prime Minister.” - USA very likely to host 2024
— James Pearce (@Pearcesport) October 13, 2014
Banter is a horrific word anyway, used to cover all manner of sins, but turn it into a verb and it's even worse.
“We’re bantering…” Let that one sink in.
So while ‘medalling’ is not an offensive word on its own,
maybe its definition should go back to being what Scooby Doo and the rest of
Mystery Inc. got up to.
Other words to be regularly used to hideous effect are babe,
baby and babes. These are not terms of endearment, however regularly Danny Dyer
tries to convince us by using them to address his onscreen wife on Eastenders.
‘Babe’ was a pig. ‘Baby’ is an infant that hasn’t yet become
a toddler. And ‘babes’ is the plural word for attractive women used for a
period in the 90s, usually on American TV programmes, when ‘chicks’ went out of
fashion.
There are numerous words that are shortened bizarrely or
reemployed with entirely new meanings for no apparent reason.
For example, if you must shorten the word legend, then that
would be spelt leg, not ledge. Sachin Tendulkar is a legend, but to my
knowledge he has never formed part of a window, so he isn’t a ledge.
Cupboards can occasionally be bare, but contrary to the
belief of many, they can’t be bare bare. Why bare is now used as a replacement
for very I have no idea, there is nothing wrong with the word very to my
knowledge.
Language does evolve, and I’m not advocating a return to
Shakespearian English by any stretch of the imagination, but I don’t see any of
the above, or anything uttered by Joey Essex as an improvement on what we have
persevered with for a while now.
Finally, I fully understand that if there are any spelling
mistakes, typing errors or some questionable grammar hiding among these lines,
it would make me a hypocrite as well as a miserable git.
