Casual abuse and inexplicable inventiveness: The plight of the English Language

The kids who drove this often medalled, but I've never seen them at the Olympics...

During the second half of Man United v Everton a few weeks ago, Michael Owen managed to complete a sentence that started in the present tense, moved backwards into the past tense, and then somehow returned to the present.

My response, partly fuelled by the tension that comes from watching any United game these days, was as follows: “Congratulations for butchering the English language, Michael, top effort.”

Before proceeding I’d quickly like to point out I have no hatred for Owen, and while his co-commentary isn’t my cup of tea, he isn’t the only one I struggle to listen to, and I would take him every day ahead of Niall Quinn.

Rather than Owen-bashing, this blog is intended as a quick look at the English Language, and the casual but violent abuse it faces on a day-to-day basis.

Firstly, it is a wonderful opportunity to reference and refer to Weird Al Yankovic’s work of genius, Word Crimes.

Utilising the music and lyric-pattern of Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines it is as creative with the language as it is abusive of those who have so much trouble using it correctly. If you haven’t heard it yet, listen to it now!

One pet-hate of mine that has made its way into the conscience of Weird Al is the tendency of many to describe things as being LITERALLY something, when they literally aren’t.

Describing yourself as literally dying when hung-over or aching a bit is so frustrating that I metaphorically explode.

Equally common is the trend of turning every word into a verb. A tutor on my Masters course was particularly aggravated by the now globally accepted action of ‘medalling’ at a sporting event.

The verb ‘to medal’ has now become accepted, but this could be a dangerous precedent that sees people turn any word they like into a verb.

“@ALunzenfichter: Paris will not candidate for 2024 olympic games. Décision of Manuel Valls Prime Minister.” - USA very likely to host 2024
— James Pearce (@Pearcesport) October 13, 2014

Banter is a horrific word anyway, used to cover all manner of sins, but turn it into a verb and it's even worse.

“We’re bantering…” Let that one sink in.

So while ‘medalling’ is not an offensive word on its own, maybe its definition should go back to being what Scooby Doo and the rest of Mystery Inc. got up to.

Other words to be regularly used to hideous effect are babe, baby and babes. These are not terms of endearment, however regularly Danny Dyer tries to convince us by using them to address his onscreen wife on Eastenders.

‘Babe’ was a pig. ‘Baby’ is an infant that hasn’t yet become a toddler. And ‘babes’ is the plural word for attractive women used for a period in the 90s, usually on American TV programmes, when ‘chicks’ went out of fashion.    

There are numerous words that are shortened bizarrely or reemployed with entirely new meanings for no apparent reason.

For example, if you must shorten the word legend, then that would be spelt leg, not ledge. Sachin Tendulkar is a legend, but to my knowledge he has never formed part of a window, so he isn’t a ledge.

Cupboards can occasionally be bare, but contrary to the belief of many, they can’t be bare bare. Why bare is now used as a replacement for very I have no idea, there is nothing wrong with the word very to my knowledge.

Language does evolve, and I’m not advocating a return to Shakespearian English by any stretch of the imagination, but I don’t see any of the above, or anything uttered by Joey Essex as an improvement on what we have persevered with for a while now.

Finally, I fully understand that if there are any spelling mistakes, typing errors or some questionable grammar hiding among these lines, it would make me a hypocrite as well as a miserable git.

Just how big can the BIGGEST game in the world get..?

What big teeth you have Grandma...

“The biggest game in club football has got even bigger” 

Sky Sports’ reaction to Luis Suarez making his debut in El Clasico this weekend, and their building up of a game they just happen to have exclusively live coverage of in the UK.

The inclusion of the man on his way back from a third biting ban does of course improve the spectacle, and it would be hard to argue that Real Madrid v Barcelona isn’t special.

But… Considering they are determined to call it the BIGGEST game in club football, about 45 times a day, it would be nice to know exactly how they quantify that.

Is it the audience figures, because that might largely be because everybody feels the need to watch a game that is being advertised in such a way, a not so vicious cycle… 

The other noteworthy thing about Real v Barca is that Sky, and many other outlets, spend the week leading up to the game asking whether Lionel Messi or Cristiano Ronaldo are the best in the world, as if this time, unlike the previous 20, we will stumble across the formula that finally answers the question.

The question is boring and repetitive, and surely there is something else to discuss if this game is as big as they claim.

Well apparently there is, but this one doesn’t make a great deal of sense either…

Don't forget to keep your votes coming in. Do you think Rodriguez or Luis Suarez was the best summer signing? #SSNHQ pic.twitter.com/k9n3YRoKDc
— Sky Sports News HQ (@SkySportsNewsHQ) October 24, 2014

Sky Sports News HQ’s poll of the day today posed the question, who’s the better summer signing… James Rodriguez or Luis Suarez?

When rating a signing, two of the things I would consider would be the value for money and the impact of the player on their new team.

As they are the fifth and third most expensive signings of all time respectively, even in the world of inflated transfers fees in which we live, value is a hard comparison to make, so we’ll have to stick to impact then.

Oh hang on a second… Suarez hasn’t played for his new team yet has he..?

Another ridiculous comment of El Clasico note can be attributed to Guillem Balague, also of Sky Sports fame.

On their website he has compiled a combined XI of Real and Barca players, pretty harmless and formulaic build up content for a big game.

At the end of the team he suggests that readers might disagree with his selection, “but then isn’t that what makes football the best game in the world?”

I’m a huge football fan, but I’d suggest that talking points do exist in other sports too, and Guillem may struggle to believe it, but not only do people quite enjoy sports like cricket, they manage to have debates and disagreements over selection in that too... who knew?!

However, none of the Clasico build up compares to the head-shakingly pointless job Gary Cotterill was given ahead of Barcelona’s Champions League game with Ajax.

He found some Dutch fans in a bar then attempted to obtain a score prediction from one of them while all the others sang over his interview.

When Gary was told the game would finish 2-2 he tried to point out that Barcelona are quite good.

If this wasn’t already cringe worthy enough, he concluded the interview by tipping the poor bloke’s beer all over him.

Nobody covers European football quite like Sky… 

Panda-inspired England, out-dated predictions and a burning sense of injustice

A couple of black eyes and a broken nose won't stop Stuart

The revival of English cricket after a heroically poor winter, and a record-breaking defeat to Sri Lanka, has been nothing short of inspired.

I have my suspicions that the fact I am no longer live-blogging any of their matches is playing its part, as I have regularly proven myself a curse.

My own input aside, the senior players have stepped up, and with conditions in their favour, the bowlers in particular have shone.

Nobody embodies the spirit that has been at the heart of the turn around more than Stuart Broad. When England bowl badly he generally bowls particularly badly, he’s a tone setter, and a streaky player.

So when he’s bowling well and taking wickets, he tends to take a hatful.

This week he is playing at the Oval despite a long-standing knee injury, that will require surgery soon, and the two black eyes and broken nose that come from a ball making its way between helmet and visor.

He looks like a panda, but he has been anything but as cumbersome.

As well as the continuation of the cricket season, football has also returned this week, and as a Man Utd fan, I’ve already remembered why I hate it already.

In the week leading up to the Premier League season I was asked to write a short preview for each of the 20 teams, (10 of which can be found here, and the other 10 here) I wrote them and promptly watched the predictions become out of date before they even went live.

Having said that Shane Long would be key for Hull and that Crystal Palace would thrive under Tony Pulis, both men left their respective clubs and made my predictions look as relevant and on trend as the mullet.

The sport on my television at the moment has been transmitted from Switzerland as well as other parts of the UK.

The European Athletics Championship has been great watching for British fans, with our sprinters dominating and medals coming from everywhere.

Aside from British success, and the pole-vaulting Cooly theCow, one particular incident has caught the attention of many.

French steeple-chaser Mahiedine Mekhissi-Benabbad won the gold medal with a dominant run on Thursday.

So dominant was his performance that he felt he had enough time to remove his vest and celebrate with it above his head and in his mouth as he ran down the home straight towards the finishing line.

Immediately after the race, officials issued him with a yellow card, a warning about this particular conduct, and he continued to celebrate his victory.

Shortly after this, unhappy about the decision not to disqualify him, the Spanish team, whose athlete finished fourth, protested and Mekhissi-Benabbad’s medal was taken away from him.

This really doesn’t sit right with me.

Firstly the officials decided on the spot to give him a yellow card, so a sanction was decided upon and handed out, before an appeal overturned this.

Why was this decision overturned?

The reality is that there was no new evidence to overturn this decision, just a Spanish team upset at coming fourth, and trying their luck.

Secondly the reason given for disqualification changed within hours of the decision, the officials weren’t even sure which rule they were accusing him of breaking which smacks of a poor decision.

Thirdly, and crucially, his actions didn’t affect the result of the race, or the ability of officials to deem the result of the race. Vest or no vest, he won.

I feel sorry for the disqualified athlete, the person wrongly awarded a gold, the Spaniard wrongly awarded a medal, and the Spanish team for feeling the need to deprive a man of a hard-earned gold medal.

Mekhissi-Benabbad already has a reputation for courting controversy, and it is fine to punish him for breaching rules or unbecoming sporting conduct, but the punishment should be proportionate to the crime.

He didn’t cheat. He just acted like a prat.

A good week for pandas, cows, Chris Waddle and fourth placed Spaniards, not so sure about the rest of us…

Number 10s and binary in modern football...

Kevin Phillips: A REAL number 10

Over the past couple of years a new phenomenon has been born; the Number 10 Role.

What used to be known as playing in the hole, or playing off or behind the striker, or even a free role, is now playing as a number 10, and it winds me up something chronic.

Football is a game that when played at its best is fluid and interchangeable, naming a position after a number doesn’t fit with that notion at all.

Even at the age of 22 my view on squad numbers appears to be a very traditional one, because nowadays nobody plays flat 4-4-2 formations.

A mere decade ago, your goalkeeper would wear 1, your fullbacks 2 and 3, and the central defenders 5 and 6. Midfielders would wear 7, 4, 8 and 11 from right to left, and your little striker would have 10 to your big guy’s 9. Simple.

When I envisage an archetypal number 10, I think Michael Owen alongside Emile Heskey, or Kevin Phillips partnered by Niall Quinn.  

Even though there was an accepted format, numbers never labelled the positions, and with squad numbers being issued in league football, teams rarely lined up with 1-11 on the field, let alone in these exact positions.

In 2014, 4-4-2 is all but dead, and there is an ever increasing reliance on the central play maker; the number 10.

Gary Neville has been quoted as saying that in the modern game everyone wants to be a number 10, and that is at the detriment of defending, but as far as I can tell it still doesn’t mean anything. Is football turning into rugby?

Rugby is a sport where the 15 selected players wear numbers 1-15 and the numbers refer to a specific position in the team. One of the positions is actually named after the number, and the number eight is a globally recognised term.

The difference that still exists in football, despite the death of 4-4-2, is that the manager is entitled to play a number of different formations, meaning that numbers cannot equate to positions.

Louis Van Gaal, the new Manchester United manager, is a fan of 3-5-2 or 3-4-1-2, and this means some of the positions I labelled with numbers above don’t even exist.

Despite the fact Van Gaal favours a formation that fans in English football are not used to watching, it hasn’t stopped him describing positions as numbers.

"Rooney can play at 10 and nine. He said to me he can also play 7 and 11. But I like him more at 9 or 10. Kagawa was a number 10 at Dortmund but I want to try him at number 6 and number 8."

What?

It would appear that Van Gaal is now conversing predominantly in numbers, and I have no idea what the future holds for Kagawa. Even if we have come to (begrudgingly) accept number 10 into the games vocabulary, I have genuinely no idea where a 6 plays, and god help all of us if he fancies the Spain-inspired false-9 formation any time soon.

In terms of insight, the Dutchman may as well be speaking in binary, and I’m pretty sure Seven-11 is a convenience store chain, so maybe he’s got Rooney doing the lunch run…