The EU Referendum Explained

N.B. This is supposed to be funny, or at least tongue in cheek. Any similarities between characters in the story and real life is purely coincidental... Promise...

Imagine you're at a pub with 9 friends. You're sort of the leader of the group, because everyone else is crap at making decisions, you're the one that eventually decides where you're eating or drinking.

Tonight you're at the local. One of your mates, we'll call him Nigel is moaning as usual about your local, he doesn't like the staff and he thinks that the pints cost too much and that money could be better spent on the jukebox or on crisps for the whole group.

Nigel thinks you should drink elsewhere but is very vague on suggestions as to where that might be. Up until this point the consensus has been Nigel is a bit of a prat and its best to just let him get on with his moaning because you're going to stay regardless, it's your local and the status quo is fine...

On the last couple of trips you've noticed that at least one of your mates seems to be nodding in agreement with Nigel when he's moaning, alarm bells are ringing now because this bloke, we'll call him Davis, is more of a frenemy than a real mate of yours, but you know he's never really liked the pub and he has a lot of influence in the friendship group, so there could be a falling out if this pub situation isn't resolved.

In a bid to shut Davis and Nigel up, to reinforce your authority as the group's decision maker, you clear your throat and say; look lads, Nigel doesn't like the pub or its staff, Davis believes they hold too much influence over our choice of beverage and I've just renegotiated our bar tab to get the cost of a round down by a couple of quid, at least temporarily.

I think it's time we settled this once and for all, are we staying or are we moving on? Nigel and Davis haven't even suggested any alternative pubs, and you know full well the price of a round is unlikely to be cheaper elsewhere, you're confident your pals will see sense. You declare you want to stay and you're joined in that decision by your sidekick, we'll call him Creepy George.

Creepy George wants to make decisions when you stop making them in a few years and Creepy George decides to try and creep people into agreeing with you by saying that if we go to another pub he'll stop buying his round. Davis and Nigel are joined by Weird Michael.

Weird Michael has always held some weird views so it's no surprise to you he wants to leave, Weird Michael responds to fact and evidence-based arguments by weirdly saying that people are bored of experts, the weirdo.

At this point you're looking at the mates that haven't said anything yet, Beardy Jez says that he thinks we should stay, while appearing to edge towards the door, and at the same time Jacob Two Names says that he thinks we ought to leave because staying in this pub is a sign of our pessimism. At this point you, Creepy George and Beardy Jez are joined by Scottish Al and Invisible Tim who use this opportunity to remind everyone that they might not stay in this group if they don't get their way, and that they exist, respectively.

You're still confident, but this is close, you all look at Hairy Boris. He's been pretending not to listen while all this was going on, but that's Hairy Boris' game. You know full well he's said we should stay at the pub before now, and he knows you know, but that won't stop Hairy Boris.

You need Hairy Boris onside. People listen to Hairy Boris. They get hypnotised by that hair and all the words even Shakespeare rejected that tumble out of his mouth. Hairy Boris winks at you, nobody else sees it, but he winks. I think we should leave says Hairy Boris.

You've now effectively reached a point where half of you want to stay and half of you want to leave, but because Jacob Two Names is quite tall and Hairy Boris is oddly spherical they seem to have the edge, about 52% to 48%, if you will.

At this point you all start to walk VERY slowly towards to door. You mutter that you're opinion isn't taken seriously so you can't make the decisions for the group anymore, Creepy George says he'll buy a round wherever you end up after all. Beardy Jez, you're sure you saw him fist-pump, shrugs and says he couldn't do anymore.

Nobody is listening to Invisible Tim when he starts talking about it not being over yet. Divisions in the group are growing as Scottish Al says he's staying put because he didn't say he wanted to leave and he won't let the rest of us drag him out.

Hairy Boris didn't really want to leave, so doesn't know any other pubs but fancies the role of deciding where to go and makes his pitch. Unfortunately Weird Michael has suddenly decided that Hairy Boris doesn't have the capabilities to lead you to another pub and thinks he should, you're still not sure he knows if there is anywhere else open or worth a visit, just that he's never liked this pub.

Nigel doesn't like the staff, he wants to go somewhere with self-service, you're pretty sure that doesn't exist but Nigel isn't listening and Davis wants more freedom to pick what he drinks, but doesn't know of any specific pubs that will actually be serving his favourite beer.

Jacob Two Names says something posh and reassuring that reassures nobody as you all stroll out into the night coming to terms with the realisation half of you wanted to stay and the other half wanted to leave for different reasons, you don't know whether they can all be accommodated wherever you end up, just that at least half, probably more, will be disappointed.

You ring the Mrs and say, Stern Theresa, can you give us a lift? Where to, she asks... No idea, you say... Fair enough, she says.